Monday, June 21, 2010

Why is everybody crying??

Long Story:

I used to have an uncle, my mom's brother, who died just a few months before my dad, five years ago. I really loved my uncle and miss him terribly. He was a good, Christian man.

While he was living, he and his wife divorced and she brainwashed their kids against him, 2 daughters that I was pretty close to growing up, I even lived with them for awhile, less than a year, but in that time, the girls used to call me their big sister.

I was totally devastated when they divorced, ESPECIALLY when they wouldn't return my phone calls pleading for them to call me. I cried so much, to think that they could just write me off like that.... I'd never done anything to hurt any of them, ever. They knew how much that hurt me, they just didn't care. It's like they did it deliberately.

They were teens when their parents split up, and they grew up. The older one moved to New York and still lives there.... the younger one lives locally, but we haven't seen her or her mom (who I was also very close to) in at least 20 years, except at the funeral of my uncle.

They were nice to me at the funeral, they RAN up to ME and hugged me like they were actually HAPPY to see me, they wanted me to sit next to them... we all cried and caught each other up on our lives. In fact, everyone was nice to everyone, which was a big surprise to me because of all the anger and resentment the family (my uncle's sisters) all had about not ever seeing the kids. But they were hugged and loved abundantly at the funeral of my uncle by our whole family. The girls (and even their mother) were told over and over again, that we wanted to see them more often, that we wanted a relationship with them, which they agreed to, with all kinds of promises of visiting, phone calls, etc..... until they went home.

Immediately, they refused all phone calls of the family, and have never spoken to or seen any of us again..... and AGAIN, my heart was hurt.

In time, my heart healed.... I realized that the girls were old enough to KNOW that we loved them but CHOSE to abandon us on their own. They made that decision themselves.

Fast forward 5 years to today.... last night the younger daughter passed away. My sister found out somehow. My ENTIRE family is crying... I just don't understand... they wanted (and still want) NOTHING to do with ANY of us, we've seen them once in 20 years.... they were ALL ALREADY dead to us, as far as I'm concerned.

Am I too cold?!?! Is my feeling too harsh!! I'm really NOT a cold hearted person, I love abundantly. And I really AM sorry she's gone, because she leaves behind a young teenage daughter (my uncle's granddaughter whom he was never allowed to see, either) who needs her, but as for me, I've cried enough for all of them. My life will be NO different. They're the ones missing out on FAMILY!!! I have no more feeling left.

One thing I WOULD have liked to have seen, though, is the reunion between her and her (earthly) father, because I DO believe that in Heaven, everyone forgives completely and is at total peace. I think that NOW she'll realize the love we had for her.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

5 years

Today is 5 years since I lost my daddy. The picture above is my dad holding my son.

Thank you to my beautiful friend Phyllis for remembering and sending her well wishes for my mom and me. She knows my pain well, having lost her own dad more recently.

Another close friend of mine lost her father last week.

It breaks my heart to see others go through that loss. The only thing I can tell them is that I don't think the pain ever goes away, but I know that it does get easier with time.... and the memories won't ever leave either.

There are STILL times when I can feel his presence, when I hear something he used to say, see something in his favorite color, or sometimes I can smell him... I could be driving or just sitting at home and all of a sudden, I'll just smell him... THAT'S when I feel him most.... and I close my eyes and talk to him, just tell him how much I miss him and what's been going on in our lives (as if he didn't know). It's just a comfort for me.

He used to like to feed the pigeons, and they would sit on the wire across the street from his house and wait for him to come out in the morning with bird seed and bread. Whenever I see a bird on a wire sitting outside my window, I think of my dad.

There will always be things to remind me of him, so he'll never be far away.... Thank God!!

I miss you so much, Daddy, I love you!!!